dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
