I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
