Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
