I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
