I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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