I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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