I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
