i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
