Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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