Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It's like God shit irony all over that family
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
