I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
