Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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