Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
