We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
