you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
