I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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