i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
