I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
