3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You can't motorboat a personality
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
