I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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