I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just found puke in my bra..
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
