who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
