we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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