She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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