cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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