My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
