I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
