I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
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