you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
