I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
