I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
