He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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