You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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