omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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