ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
