i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
