Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
True strength comes from lack of pants
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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