How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
