What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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