some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My ass is underappreciated
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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