cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
