Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
