I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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