My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
that's an acceptable place to lick
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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