i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just pee around me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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