I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize