You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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