My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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