Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
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