Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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