I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
