Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
