she looked like the before picture.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
